Who I work with
Nobody sees it, which is why it grows.
It is not hidden because you are ashamed of it. It is hidden because it happens in the two hours when the house is finally quiet and there is nobody there to see anything.
Some of this will sound familiar.
- It is at home, on your own, and it looks like nothing from outside.
- The bottle lasts a day less than it used to and you noticed the exact week that changed.
- There is an entire culture selling this back to you as self-care, and you have used its language on yourself.
- You have managed the recycling so that the count is not visible.
- The evening does not really start until everybody else's has finished.
Why solitary drinking escalates faster
Drinking with other people has a pace built into it. You match a room, the round has a rhythm, somebody eventually goes home. Alone, none of that exists. The only pace is yours, and yours will drift, gradually, without a single decision that felt like one.
There is no witness, which means there is no feedback, which means there is nothing to correct against except your own memory, and your own memory is the least reliable instrument available for this particular measurement.
The wine culture problem
There is a whole commercial apparatus built on making a bottle in the evening read as a reward you have earned, which is not something anybody does for men and spirits.
The effect is that the exact behaviour that would be flagged in another format is congratulated in this one. It makes the thing very hard to see, and it makes raising it feel humourless, which is doing a lot of work for the people selling it.
Why you might be reading a page written by a man
Most of the people I work with are men, and I write the way I talk, so a lot of this site sounds male. I would rather say that plainly than have you notice it and wonder whether you are in the wrong place.
You are not, and the work is identical: what you drink, what you are reaching for when you reach for it, and what goes in that gap instead. If what you would rather have is a woman, or a therapist, or a group of women doing this together, say so and I will point you at one, and I take no fee for that.
Before you change anything
If you shake in the morning, sweat through the sheets, feel sick until the first drink, or have ever had a fit when you cut down, talk to a doctor before you stop drinking. Alcohol withdrawal can be dangerous, and it is treatable. That is a medical decision, not a coaching one.
United States and Canada: 988 (call or text)
United States, SAMHSA: 1-800-662-4357, free, 24 hours, confidential
United Kingdom and Ireland: 116 123 (Samaritans)
United Kingdom, drugs and alcohol: 0300 123 6600 (FRANK)
Netherlands: 113 or 0800 0113. Alcohol Infolijn: 0900 1995
Australia: 13 11 14 (Lifeline). Alcohol and drugs: 1800 250 015
Anywhere else: findahelpline.com gives you your country's number in about ten seconds
This site is not emergency care. If you or somebody else is in danger, call your local emergency number now.
Questions people ask me
Is it worse for women physically?
Alcohol does affect women's bodies differently and generally at lower volumes, and that is a real medical point rather than a moral one. I am not a doctor, so the useful thing I can say is that it is worth raising with one rather than researching at one in the morning, and that a doctor will be neither shocked nor interested in judging you.
I do not want to be called an alcoholic.
Then you will not be, not by me, not once. I do not use the word about anybody, including myself. It is a clinical and AA label I have no standing to apply, and in my experience it mostly ends the conversation rather than starting it. What you drink and what it costs you are answerable questions. That one is not.
Can I do this without telling my husband or my friends?
Yes, completely. Nothing about working with me is visible to anybody, sessions are not recorded, and there is no list. In the long run telling one person the real number tends to be the single most useful thing people do, but that is your call and your timing, not mine.
Would I be better off with a woman coach?
Possibly, and I would rather you got sober with somebody else than not at all. If that is what you want, ask me and I will point you at options I actually rate, and I take no referral fee from anyone.
Fifteen minutes, free
There's nothing at the end of it to buy. If I'm not the right person for you, I'll say so and I'll tell you who is.
Peer recovery coaching, not medical or mental health treatment.
Also worth reading
Nothing has gone wrong yet. That's the trap.
You function. That is exactly what makes this so easy to keep doing, and it is why nobody is going to stop you.
The two hours that are supposed to be yours.
It starts as a reward for getting through the day. Then it becomes the reason the day is survivable, and those are not the same thing.
The stress is real. The solution isn't.
You are not drinking because you are weak. You are drinking because it works, immediately, on a genuine problem. That is precisely why it is hard to give up.