Who I work with
You are allowed to not want the meetings.
Not wanting AA is not denial, and refusing rehab is not the same as refusing help. But you do have to replace them with something, and most people replace them with nothing.
Some of this will sound familiar.
- You have been told that not wanting the meetings is itself a symptom, and it made you dig in harder.
- You cannot say the word about yourself, and the whole thing seems to start with saying it.
- Twenty-eight days away is not possible without explaining a gap for the rest of your career.
- You are not spiritual and you are not going to pretend to be for anyone.
- You have used all of the above as a reason to do nothing at all, which is the part worth looking at.
What is actually on the table
There are more than two options, and the fact that most people can only name two is why so many do nothing. Here is the honest list, including the ones I do not sell and make nothing from.
A doctor, first, always, if your body reacts when you stop. That is not one option among several, it is the precondition. Medication, which helps some people considerably and is a real conversation to have with a doctor. A therapist, if what is underneath this is bigger than the drinking. SMART Recovery, which is structured, secular and free. LifeRing. Online communities. A coach, which is me. Or AA, which did not work for me and has genuinely saved a lot of people, and it would be dishonest of me to leave it off a list because I sell something else.
Why AA did not work for me
I could not do the label and I could not do the higher power, and I spent a long time being angry about being told that my objection to those things was proof I needed them.
I want to be careful here, because the rooms are full of people who are alive because of them, and I am not going to sneer at that to sell a session. What I will say is that it is one route, it is free, it is everywhere, and if it fits you it is very hard to beat. It just is not the only one, and being told it is has cost a lot of people years.
The part people skip
If you take away the meetings and the facility, you have removed structure and other people, and those two things were most of what was working. Replacing them with willpower and a private decision is the most common way this fails.
So whatever you pick, it needs to include something at a fixed time, and at least one other human being who knows the real number. It does not have to be me. It does have to be something.
Before you change anything
If you shake in the morning, sweat through the sheets, feel sick until the first drink, or have ever had a fit when you cut down, talk to a doctor before you stop drinking. Alcohol withdrawal can be dangerous, and it is treatable. That is a medical decision, not a coaching one.
United States and Canada: 988 (call or text)
United States, SAMHSA: 1-800-662-4357, free, 24 hours, confidential
United Kingdom and Ireland: 116 123 (Samaritans)
United Kingdom, drugs and alcohol: 0300 123 6600 (FRANK)
Netherlands: 113 or 0800 0113. Alcohol Infolijn: 0900 1995
Australia: 13 11 14 (Lifeline). Alcohol and drugs: 1800 250 015
Anywhere else: findahelpline.com gives you your country's number in about ten seconds
This site is not emergency care. If you or somebody else is in danger, call your local emergency number now.
Questions people ask me
Do I have to call myself an alcoholic to get better?
No. I never have, I do not use the word about anybody, and I have watched plenty of people stop drinking without ever accepting it. It is a label from a particular tradition, it is useful to some people as an identity and a doorway, and it is a wall for others. What matters is what you drink and what it is costing you, and both of those are answerable without a label.
Is coaching just a way of avoiding proper treatment?
It can be, and that is a fair challenge. If you are physically dependent, or if what is underneath this needs a therapist, then choosing a coach instead is avoidance and I will say so rather than take your money. Where coaching genuinely fits is the part after the medical question is settled: the first sober Friday, the wedding in March, the six o'clock gap.
What about moderation? I do not want to quit forever.
Some people moderate successfully and I am not going to tell you it is impossible. What I would say is that a hard thirty days off first tells you more than any amount of attempted moderation does, because moderating while you are still drinking daily is mostly a way of finding out nothing slowly. Thirty days is also a much smaller thing to agree to than forever.
Can I do this without anyone finding out?
Yes. There is nothing to attend, no register, no building, nothing visible to an employer, and sessions are not recorded. That privacy is most of why people choose this over the alternatives.
Fifteen minutes, free
There's nothing at the end of it to buy. If I'm not the right person for you, I'll say so and I'll tell you who is.
Peer recovery coaching, not medical or mental health treatment.
Also worth reading
Nothing has gone wrong yet. That's the trap.
You function. That is exactly what makes this so easy to keep doing, and it is why nobody is going to stop you.
The two hours that are supposed to be yours.
It starts as a reward for getting through the day. Then it becomes the reason the day is survivable, and those are not the same thing.
The stress is real. The solution isn't.
You are not drinking because you are weak. You are drinking because it works, immediately, on a genuine problem. That is precisely why it is hard to give up.