Who I work with
Nothing has gone wrong yet. That's the trap.
You function. That is exactly what makes this so easy to keep doing, and it is why nobody is going to stop you.
Some of this will sound familiar.
- You have never missed a deadline because of it, and you treat that as the answer to the question.
- The people who would tell you have no idea, because you have quietly arranged it that way.
- You drink at home now more than you drink out, and you have a reason for that which sounds like a preference.
- You are better at your job hungover than most people are rested, and you have used that fact as an argument.
- Nothing has been taken from you yet. Only mornings, patience, and the sense of who you are when nobody is looking.
Why functioning is the problem and not the defence
Every measure you are using to reassure yourself is a measure of consequence. Still employed. Still married. Still no incident. The trouble is that consequences are a lagging indicator, and they arrive in a lump, years after the thing that caused them.
I ran a business while drinking most of a bottle most nights. The business was fine for a long time. Then it was not fine very quickly, and by the time it was obvious to anyone else, the decisions that ended it had already been made, months earlier, by somebody who felt completely in control at the time.
So the honest question is not whether it has cost you anything yet. It is how much effort you are currently spending on making sure it does not.
The effort is the actual cost
Count it up for one week. The rules you set. The rules you move. Deciding what to drink in front of whom. Timing the first one. Managing the count so it looks normal. Working out whether there is enough in the house before you want it, so that you never have to be seen going out for it.
None of that shows up anywhere. Not on your payslip, not in your bloods, not in anything anyone can see. It is invisible, it is expensive, and it is running constantly in the background of a mind you are also using to run a life.
What usually happens if nothing changes
Mostly, not a collapse. Mostly, ten more years of exactly this, slightly worse each year, with less energy available for it each year. That is the realistic version and it is worse than the dramatic one, because nothing ever forces the issue.
The people I work with almost all say the same sentence: I knew years before I did anything. Not months. Years.
Before you change anything
If you shake in the morning, sweat through the sheets, feel sick until the first drink, or have ever had a fit when you cut down, talk to a doctor before you stop drinking. Alcohol withdrawal can be dangerous, and it is treatable. That is a medical decision, not a coaching one.
United States and Canada: 988 (call or text)
United States, SAMHSA: 1-800-662-4357, free, 24 hours, confidential
United Kingdom and Ireland: 116 123 (Samaritans)
United Kingdom, drugs and alcohol: 0300 123 6600 (FRANK)
Netherlands: 113 or 0800 0113. Alcohol Infolijn: 0900 1995
Australia: 13 11 14 (Lifeline). Alcohol and drugs: 1800 250 015
Anywhere else: findahelpline.com gives you your country's number in about ten seconds
This site is not emergency care. If you or somebody else is in danger, call your local emergency number now.
Questions people ask me
Am I actually a problem drinker if nothing has gone wrong?
I'm not going to label you, because I can't and because the label is not the useful part. Here is a better question than the one you're asking. How much of your week goes on thinking about it, managing it, or promising yourself something about it? If the answer is a lot, that is a cost you are already paying, whether or not anything has gone wrong that anyone else can see.
Can I just cut down instead of stopping?
Plenty of people try, and some manage it. What I'd say is that deciding at six what you'll drink at eight is a fight you have already lost at six, so if you're going to attempt it, the decision has to get made in the morning or it doesn't get made at all. A hard thirty days off is also the fastest way to find out what you're actually dealing with, and it costs nothing.
Won't people notice if I stop?
Some will, and far fewer than you think, and they care much less than you think. The bit worth preparing is the sentence you say when somebody asks, because you do not want to be inventing one under pressure with a glass being handed to you. Having one ready is most of the problem solved.
Do I need rehab for this?
Probably not, and I'd be a poor person to ask because I sell an alternative to it. What I'd say honestly: if your body reacts when you stop, if you shake or sweat or feel sick until the first drink, then you need a doctor before you need anything else, and that is not a coaching decision.
Fifteen minutes, free
There's nothing at the end of it to buy. If I'm not the right person for you, I'll say so and I'll tell you who is.
Peer recovery coaching, not medical or mental health treatment.
Also worth reading
The two hours that are supposed to be yours.
It starts as a reward for getting through the day. Then it becomes the reason the day is survivable, and those are not the same thing.
The stress is real. The solution isn't.
You are not drinking because you are weak. You are drinking because it works, immediately, on a genuine problem. That is precisely why it is hard to give up.
Cheap beer, no structure, nobody who knew you before.
It is not a coincidence and it is not a character change. Almost every brake you used to have was environmental, and you left all of them at home.